Spring Break Went By Fast...

I hated this. I really do hate school. I just want to leave school and graduate already. I want to get into SVA without having to stress out about my portfolio. I wish my parents didn't call me as their dumb child. But whatever about them. I could careless about them. I hate regretting about so much work piling on me. Whats wrong with me this semester?! Whats wrong with me this year overall? I feel so unmotivated, not wanting to move. Not wanting to move on. Not wanting to do anything! What IS wrong with me? Is this the time where I am trying to find my own identity? I couldn't even figure out anything this year. But only to know that I have a humongous anxiety left inside this heavy chest.

I wish I was my old self. I wish everything was the way it was 6-7 years back. My old self was so much better and so much free. But where has this freedom gone to? I lost everything. I lost myself. I lost pretty much what everything became to be me. I didn't even submit my yearbook self page just because inside I still am mad at the senior class for what they had done to me in middle school. I still have this strong passionate hate on my school and towards humans. I can't seem to forgive them. But why should I forgive and forget? This is the hardest task of all. How did God even manage to do this crazy thing?

I don't want to remember people at my school. I find them as careless souls. The Senior class claims that we are a family. But how are we a family if I never felt I was a part of them. Family my ass! This never even happened. You guys caused trouble since middle school. Everyone fought with each other. I hate arguments. I hate dramas. I really never deserved to be in a cruel situation.

And there I am thinking to myself. Kaity? I never thought I would be in this sickening situation. All these things I have fantasized as a child was all just a dream. A dream that would never come true. God never helped me. He never once helped me. Even when I cried so much, I never felt he was there. All I did was sit there and hope some miracle would come for me.

What happened to my old happy self? I want to be happy again. Positive thinking turns into the opposite. O gosh. I can't believe this is Kaity. A Kaity who has depression and anxiety. And is scared of the world. Scared of people. Why should I be scared of people? What happened to the Kaity that told herself, I would never change anything for anyone! UGHH...Even writing and typing out my anger and frustration online doesn't help. I have more pain. Pain that anyone can't even describe.

I missed being loved. I never felt love. It feels really comforting. And I envy people who fall in love because I will never be in that same situation as them. I hate everything. LOL.

Can't you believe everything I wrote out actually came out of ME?

I wish I knew...

I wish I knew this feeling that's carrying inside me that feels so heavy. It hurts so much that I can cry endlessly. I wish I knew what love was about. What is love? Why is it so confusing? I wish I was a good person who would do anything for this person I love in return. This pain is so frustrating. T_T I wish it went away...

Blehh...

Haven't posted in awhile. Today I thought of myself as a procrastinator and a lazy son of a bitch who can't do anything. Negativity's inside my head won't help unless I think positively. I fear about my portfolio and my college application. I wonder what my future is in life. I wonder where I am going to be. Is it a safe road? A tough road? Or maybe no roads at all? I wish my anxiety and depression would loosen down. I just can't get it off me. Like my social worker told me, "Its like a monster inside you that wouldn't stop bothering you." For a minute I thought to myself, "She was right."

Gah...I really should have posted more stuff about me. I wish my friends whom I'm close with had a blogspot. I like sharing about my feelings and would like to know people's reactions about it. I love comments. If only my best friend had one. Actually I can make her make one, but than she would not go on it as often. Hmm...

I miss my dad so much, but I am so happy that he is coming back next week! Ah...Prom dress...Must go to one of those bridal stores or something. There really pretty. O_O



Awesome song: ^_^